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ASK DR. KEITH
by KEITH O’NEILL, PH.D.,C.HT.
Nov article
Dear Dr. Keith,
I am a 62-year-old married man who recently celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary alone. My wife was present physically, however, mentally, she wasn’t capable of being present since her Alzheimer’s diagnosis a couple of years ago. I was her caregiver up until a few months ago when she started becoming agitated and violent, no longer the person I married, a shell of her former self. That’s when I, with the approval of our children, moved her into a residence that specializes in Alzheimer’s care. I gave it my best effort to take care of her at home as long as I could without sacrificing my own sanity; I felt like I was going crazy. I love my wife and want to honor my marriage vows, to take care of her in sickness and in health. I feel like I’ve abandoned her, with the guilt and shame overwhelming me at times. This led me to finding help in the form of an Alzheimer’s support group. What had started out as a positive step in my understanding and acceptance of the situation, and comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone, has now led to some confusion and more guilt. I’ve befriended a woman in the group who I’m quite attracted to and have a lot in common with. We’ve met for coffee a few times, and the conversations have been amazing. The more I see her, the more I want to see her. She’s told me she feels the same and would like to take our friendship to another level. Her husband recently passed, and she knows my wife is still alive, and I visit her frequently. She’s fine with it and has offered to go with me for support knowing that my wife has know idea who I am, and her health is failing. According to her doctors, she doesn’t have much time left. This is where I struggle and feel guilty. Am I cheating on my wife and dishonoring my marriage? Is it wrong to move on and create a life of fulfillment moving forward. I’m lonely and confused.
Jeremy R.,
Cornelius, NC
Hey Jeremy,
I’m sorry you’re struggling, however, yours is a challenging, yet not uncommon
situation as Alzheimer’s has become more prevalent in recent years. It is unique
to other illnesses because those of us who have lost loved ones to this horrible
disease go through the grieving process twice, the mental and then the physical
demise. When you said your vows, you didn’t expect your wife to become ill, and
she certainly didn’t expect it. Illness is one of the unknowns of life, and nobody’s
immune to it. The one certainty in life is uncertainty. Life is not linear, and it’s
certainly not fair; and it’s our ability to adapt, or not, that will determine our future
and the quality of our lives. You still have a lot of life to live; don’t let guilt, regret or
shame tarnish it. The only time we should feel those is if we do something with intent
to harm, hurt or deceive someone which you haven’t done. I applaud your decision
to get help and engage with a support group. You might want to consider working
with a therapist to help with your grief and the inevitable loss of your wife. I don’t
know your background, faith or family dynamics which all can affect your feelings
and decisions. You’ve been a good husband and are honoring your commitment
to take care of your wife. Unfortunately, this horrible disease is shortening her life,
not yours. As far as moving forward, what are you going to be comfortable with and
what is going to bring you joy? People are going to talk and have their opinions.
Don’t allow the opinions, judgments and expectations of others keep you from
finding that joy. I know you’re not getting any younger, however, don’t be in a hurry.
Relationships are a lot like trees, they both need strong roots to grow and need time
and nourishment to flourish. However, give yourself the time to grieve and move
beyond the loss that’s coming before you make any life-altering decisions. As far as
your new friendship goes, I recommend being patient. I’ve seen too many people
make quick and poor decisions due to loneliness and the fear of being alone. Both
can easily blur clarity, reasonability and lead to poor decisions, a direct road to
regret. It’s not the mistakes in life that are hard to live with, it’s the regrets, so don’t
be in a hurry, take your time. If your new friend is worth her salt, she’ll be patient,
understanding and there for you when the dust settles. The potential for a life and
relationship free from regret…
Keith O’Neill Ph.D., C.Ht is a Psychotherapist, Professional Speaker, Author, Clinical and Sports Hypnotherapist, Mental Performance/Self-Esteem Coach and survivor of a life threatening head injury. If you’re struggling emotionally, need a speaker or a mental performance coach, visit theself-esteemcoach.com for more information. If you have questions for
Dr. Keith, email them to keith@s-teamkids.com.
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